river_kate

My NaNo novel is now at 45,000 words!  I am running out of plot so am having my characters turn surly and argumentative with each other.  Or rather that is how they are choosing to behave.  Kind of like distractions we cause in life to avoid what is really bothering us.

I totally forgot about this site for about a week.  Even though I don't post regularly, I had been checking it almost every day.  It amazes me how that can happen.  It feels like a week lasts about one day any more.

I will no longer need to be submitting paperwork for housing recertification.  Mine was notoriously complicated and today I am out of that program because it is impossible to verify everything.  It wasn't so when I started three years ago.  It was hell.  It was a nightmare.  Now it is over to the relief of all concerned.

I enjoy living in a state where I have almost no relatives.  The ones that are here never contact me.  But other relatives from back east are going to visit them and they want to stop in and see me also.  Now my months of slacking on the housekeeping is coming back to haunt me.  I have nine days which is sufficient time but I am so, so unmotivated.  I remember when I used to give a shit about things and wonder what happened.  Maybe that was when I wasn't attempting to write a novel in a month or something. 

The last few days I've been a recluse, reading, napping, snacking and working on my novel. Sometimes it just feels awful to be out among people. I don't know what I'd be doing if I didn't have the novel to focus on and keep my mind in somewhat working order. Yesterday I checked the word count in the document I'm preparing for my little vanity Blurb book and it was less than 9,000. I'm recalling how daunting the 50,000 word requirement to win NaNoWriMo can be.

This morning I was having some of those really strong snapshots and films from my past. It's like I could close my eyes and be there. Some of it makes me curious because one event is about something someone else may have done, yet it's like I carry the burden of guilt. Just as I cleaned up the kitchen full of dirty dishes a little while ago, I could use some of my energy clearing tools to let go of some of this debris. It's something I'll need to coax myself into doing but this day is by no means over.

When I stayed with a friend in Hawaii two years ago I adjusted to the ways of living out in the bush. Water for showering was the rainwater caught in catchment tanks. For drinking water, we took big glass jugs and drove to areas where they could be filled with city water from taps that were out at the edges of the parking stations that were there for that purpose. There was a compost area in the backyard, an area to burn things and the rest of what they call rubbish was collected and taken to a huge landfill. You'd drive up and wait your turn to throw your rubbish down huge chutes.

During the last few years I've let go of many people who used me to dump their problems and unpleasant emotions on. I was raised to allow that and as an empath it's been a challenge for me to learn skills in dealing with this sort of thing. When my health began to be my number one priority it became even more important; I had no choice if I wanted to stay alive. Some people just don't want to let the dynamics change at all.

One day when I was carefully explaining my need to take better care of myself to a dumper, I saw a vision in my mind of a huge landfill with a sign on the barred and locked wrought-iron gate saying that the landfill was closed. There was a another sign set away from the gate that said "future home of Kate's abundant garden of friendship". That helped me get through the conversation. One of the tools I use to clear my aura is imagining a violet flame burning away debris. A few days after this conversation, I saw a huge violet flame burning up the rubbish in my imaginary landfill. That's what I'd see for awhile and then I gradually forgot about it. This morning I saw a lovely park and gardens with benches, flowers and little nooks for having tea. There aren't people there yet but this is way better than a rubbish heap.