river_kate | Entries tagged with art

I began a new painting today. It's of a stone covered bridge over water. There's something about the structure and simplicty of the old stone and the fluidity of the water that feels good to me. Also, I like the soothing muted colors. I used a small brush to paint thin lines over the pencil marks in blueish white and then used maroonish white for the frame-looking trim. Those are the most descriptive words I can come up with right now.

I am cautious, using little dabs of paint and working slow and dreamily. I'm grateful there isn't a life coach telling me to work big and bold, splash it on, paint what I see....blah, blah, blah. For those people in dynamic goal-setting mode, going for their dreams, that's great for them. I'm glad they're in the world; we need them.

That isn't where I'm at. I've leapt, been bold and splashed big in life. Now I'm gently stretching. Tentative. I'm painting how my inner landscape feels, not what I see. And you know what? I'm not sure what that means, but it's just fine.

When I recently watched "The Impressionists" (because of Richard Armitage) I noticed how those artist put huge globs of paint on their palettes, worked quickly and enthusiastically. But they were men, in a different place and a different time and doing something new.

I've also been using the chiropractic spine alignment pillow for 15 minutes the last two evenings. It hasn't been touched for a couple of years; I was told to use one for the rest of my life. That's a very modest and careful movement forward. I can tell by the little nerve sparks and twinges in my back that something is happening. My body is not wanting aggressive manipulation at this time. Again, thank goodness for no physical therapist. or chiropractor at this time.

There may be a day when I want the input of experts again but right now I need to hear my inner guidance and move forward as I can. In a way that doesn't fry me. When it's time for big, bold splashes I think I'll notice.

This afternoon I got out for a bit because I was craving lasagne. About a half hour after I got home it began to snow a lot and I'm so happy to be indoors with my Bailey's and coffee. I haven't been posting much because real life has been so much more interesting to me lately than being online.

I was kind of thinking about the last year and I realize lately that it was actually rather good. My apartment is organized and clean and that has been almost a thirty year struggle for me. I have began painting again. I have written and began editing a novel. I got out from under a sanity-sucking housing program without having to move. I have come to better terms with my health. This is the first year I haven't had a lot of deaths of people close to me. (The calendar has become a landmine of death anniversaries and ummm....I see a bit of what the future will be like.)

I have just recently become aware that it is the end of a decade also and have to notice that I am actually much better off than I was ten years ago. This decade has often been an unbelievable hell and I've also been through some amazing experiences that I never dreamed of. And such is life. Everything really is better than it was ten years ago. True, I have had a lot of losses but generally I believe that anything of real value to us isn't lost for eternity. My health is surely better than it was ten years ago, although then I didn't realize how challenged it was and that I would almost die several times. That might sound rather dramatic, but when one is going through it, it isn't such a big deal. At least it wasn't for me. About the only thing that isn't quite as good is my functioning, although that isn't such a loss to me. Most of my physical and mental energy was being demanded and exploited and unappreciated by a soul-sucking job . My best was not really available for my own benefit and I got the leftovers. Now, I have more of my physical and mental vitality under my own direction.

This evening I'm watching 'The Impressionists" because I really like to watch the very talented and very hot Richard Armitage. (I confess I have a huge crush on him.) The film is so beautiful and once again, I am very emotional as I watch it. I was fortunate to see an exhibit of Impressionist paintings from Europe several times while it was at the Denver Art Museum several years ago. I am so moved when I see this film and am so grateful that those artists did not give up. Really, really grateful.

I am feeling optimism about the coming year, decade and future of humanity. I wouldn't miss this time in our evolution for anything!

I've been indoors an entire week now. First it was because this thing that happens where I can't stand up straight and can barely walk for a few days happened. Then it snowed and got very, very, very cold here. If I don't have to go out, why should I? Actually, it isn't the cold so much as walking on icy sidewalks. I have become terrified of falling down. Last autumn, I prepared for this. There is food stashed here; I have books and movies and my computers. I am not crazy yet; I have walked down the hall to the mailbox and yesterday I went to the bistro on the first floor and had a tuna sandwich, a red potato salad and coffee.....and a brownie to go. Almost any food that I haven't fixed myself sounds amazing right now.

My apartment was clean when my cousin visited the Saturday after Thanksgiving. I spent three days on the living room, kitchen and bathroom. She came with her oldest granddaughter who is about nine years old and they stayed all of about half an hour. They looked at me and at each other and paid no attention to my stuff. The tidied apartment made the piles in my bedroom and little paths that I walk through start to bother me. So, this evening I hauled some of the piles into the living room and will attempt to begin organizing tomorrow. The fact is that I will need to get rid of stuff and that's difficult and scary for me.

After finishing my NaNo novel, I started working on the journal-like prologue to it again, the Dark Shadows fanfiction with original characters that I've slowly been posting here. The novel is in three timelines, 1967, 1897 and 2009 at the very end, where a young woman discovers she is the reincarnation of the 1897 woman and also is having a parallel life (same soul) as a 1967 woman. I really enjoy the historical parts. Right now I'm reading a series of Regency era mysteries. I tend to focus on the romantics of the past, the furniture, architecture and clothing. After recently watching the John Adams series, I was reminded that I much prefer the medical care of today. After the rather graphic depiction of a smallpox innoculation, leg amputation and masectomy as it was done in the late 18th century, I wonder how hardly anyone survived. It was very obvious in the film that the dental care of the time left a lot to be desired too.

What started my latest history thing again was giving in and reading "The Lost Symbol". As with "The DaVinci Code", I barely recall anything of what I read. It did make me want to look into the Revolutionary War again. I am also reading "The Autobiography Of George Washington" by Edith Ellis. Edith Ellis channeled this book in 1944 at the request of Washington and it was finally published in about 2005 or so. It is way more personal and insightful than what is recorded in the history books.

I have my next painting roughly sketched out. It's of a covered stone bridge over reflecting water. I love the photo that I'm painting it from and am aware that what I usually paint has little resemblance to the real subject. I got some ready-made frames for the little miniatures I've done and am amazed at what a frame can do for a painting.

So, this is how my life's been going as everyday I've somehow not been posting here.

There was more lovely weather here again today. This afternoon I walked to the library in the sunshine, wearing a light sweater for warmth. Lately I've been going to the library several times a week since going through the British DVD's so rapidly. Often, people open the heavy doors for me and I feel like sharing my policy on that.

I walk with a cane and I am wobbly, weak and shaky. The doors are heavy and I am interested in taking care of my muscles so generally I choose opening the doors over using the hand-pressed button that will open the door automatically. If necessary, I use the button or I ask someone for help if I need it. When people around me do not open the door for me or offer help, I do not take offense. I have seen other differently abled people become hostile and offended when help was offered to them. I do not expect people to be able to read my mind or my mood of the moment to know exactly what I am needing or wanting from them regarding assistance or independence from assistance. Clearly, I can see that it makes the people who do open the door for me feel very good. Especially the scruffy-looking young people. They positively beam with feeling-goodness sometimes. So, I always just accept the help and thank them. It is so easy.

In the protesting-too-much department, I don't interact with people much online mostly because it is extremely time-consuming. In a forum I participate in, someone recently began messaging me that they have "never lied to me." This was mentioned several times. O.K. Then came, "I am not a stalker" several times. Still, I didn't bite. Finally, it was revealed that the person had searched and found something else I had been doing online. I wasn't having a problem with it. Most of what I see online is being ignored by almost everyone else because they are busy putting stuff out there themselves. Anyway, it wasn't bothering me, but seems to make the person who is "not lying and not stalking" uncomfortable. The person is much younger than me and what I'm going to say is that I've found that when something makes me uncomfortable I usually simply cease doing it. It is never worth the creep factor.

This evening I have 22,500 words in my NaNoWriMo novel and am enjoying it. The characters are now letting me know what they want to say and do and that is delicious for me.

I am not finished with my miniature painting of a book and pillows in a window seat. I thought I would be finished but it is letting me know I am not. I can see it right now from where I am typing on my laptop.

It's raining and chilly here this evening. I feel I can enjoy staying indoors instead of needing to be out as though it will be the last pleasant weather ever. It was nice out earlier and twenty minutes after I returned home from running errands the weather changed for the worse. Then I fell into one of those deep naps.

Early this morning I did some loads of laundry. Being in an apartment building with a basement laundry room, my clothes sometimes need to finish drying while draped over chairs, etc. Later, being in and out of here doing errands, I'd come in and get a whiff of the basil-scented detergent I'm currently using. That is very comforting to me somehow.

After years of not doing so much creatively, I've recently gotten both energy and inspiration again. My careful health regimen went out the window and I was reminded of my youth. I don't believe that creative people have to be insane or addicts and sacrifice their health for their art, but I still have much room for improvement in having a sort of balance in my life. I have been lax in my sleeping and eating habits and neglected to take the supplements that are supporting my kidneys. It didn't seem to hurt me, though. Fewer aches and pains and small bouts of happiness and amusement occurred.

I'm working on the quilted wallhanging base for the 1904 items I am going to attach to it. When I was younger, it bothered me that I don't have good quilting skills and techniques and that I didn't care enough to learn and practice them. Now, I'm not letting that stop me. I know what I want to make and I'm going to call it...ummm...primitive.

My current 4 X 5 inch painting-in-progress and the supplies for it are taking up half of my kitchen table. I like to look at the underpainting.

I had my one-use-camera photos put on a picture disk and played with the images in the editing software. I can post them to my blogger account but posting here is beyond my computer skills and that's all right with me.

I'm stocking up on snacks for NaNoWriMo which begins in less than three weeks and hopefully, I will still feel ready on November first. I've been using my mental energy on paperwork having to do with farming, crops and insurance, which is vital but not interesting.

Trying not to rely on caffeine so much, I've been playing around with techniques from a book on auras. I don't see them but have been successful working with mine somewhat. The current book goes into how the astral body supports the physical body and shares information that is new to me. One of the areas I'd like to transform is my tendencies for mental sluggishness. Actually, it takes awhile to recover from mental fatigue.

These are the things I'm being and doing these days in a kind of wobbly way. Now that I'm not dying I want to get some plans going.

Finally a day when I feel I can stay indoors and do things. My home is in disarray; I was looking for a needle and thread last night. I found them and am pleased that I easily threaded the needle. There have been little moments where I experience easier functioning lately. What I struggle with is more acceptable to me lately; I have patience with my mind and body these days.

Several times I've changed my mind about the found objects I'm going to make art with. I found my fabric stash including leftover upholstery fabric from my Victorian settee. I'm thinking I'd rather attach my objects to it instead of the wire screen that the metal artist is using. I wonder if I should share my results or if it would annoy her. While laminating two items with do-it-yourself paper, I cut a cancelled stamp from 1904 that was on an envelope from St. Louis as they were getting ready for the World's Fair. When I looked in the envelope, I found some curls of human hair. It is from a child named Robert who wrote to my grandmother. It is a bit brittle but a beautiful golden color.

Some more paints came via Fed-Ex today. They are student quality acrylics for landscape painting. I worked on the small seascape and finished it and am way more satisfied now that I have a different color blue. (When I started, I was actually using a six tube basic set and painted with a brilliant blue, black and white.) Now I am reminded of how messy I am when I create and how I neglect to eat. Really, there has always been this challenge with attention for me.

This morning I read about a woman who basically laid in bed with Lyme disease for five years. She found a way to heal and came to a point where she decided she had to give up using it as a reference point. It's such an individual thing and people have to find their own way no matter how much assistance they get from others. It's kind of a dance that I understand. Giving up feeling the need to explain and apologize can seem unnatural. The more at peace I become with my functioning, the more people see me instead of my apparent limitations. Maybe I'm just getting better at tuning out those who are uncomfortable.

In ways I can't explain, it feels like I am having a wonderful harvest right now. Of course, there are cycles and this time will pass. In the meantime I am appreciating and focusing on the good things I have now. So, I'm soaking in it because we all will be challenged again soon.

I took a photo of my painting with a one-use, point-and-shoot camera. There is dust on the bench that the small easel is sitting on. Housework is still not a priority.

Yesterday evening I went to First Thursday in my city and looked at art, talked to artists and ate non-gluten-free cookies while doing so. The weather has been so lovely lately that I've been unable to make myself stay indoors. Today I ate breakfast on a penthouse rooftop and then spent most of the day outside. If it rains this weekend maybe I will get some grounding things done inside.

Most of the artists I chatted with yesterday were kind. I tend to repeat myself, not make sense and not understand everything that is being said to me. The more compassion and patience I have with myself the more others seem to, but not everyone is up for it.

Several artists are using donated space in empty downtown buildings and one of them has a set-up where people can make brooches from found objects. She has objects there in case people don't bring their own. This afternoon I gathered some items in my apartment and hope to assemble them and then attach them to the little screens she uses. (She plans on doing this again.) I have two old pins that I found when cleaning out Mom's house, a dyed pearl earring, a gauzy gold jewelry pouch, and a cancelled stamp from the 1904 St. Louis World's Fair. I will laminate it in addition to laminating an icon I'll print out. The icon is of Barnabas Collins in his exotic silk dressing gown sitting in the Old House looking through photo albums of his ancestors. I intend to attach these to an old crocheted doily which I'll then attach to fabric left over when I made quilted Christmas ornaments years ago. This will involve some sewing and ironing. I actually have an iron and ironing board and when this is all done I hope to stitch it to a small quilted wallhanging. Hopefully I'll be able to get the needle threaded.

I signed up for 2009 NaNoWriMo today and am really excited. I have been gathering snacks for my pantry and need to watch some DVD's for the 1875 timeline which will be part of my story. (I am doing a Dark Shadows fanfiction with both original and canon characters.) It is amazing how I can forget about my aches and pains when I focus on these things.

I did the underpainting of a small 5"X7" canvas board the other day and that seems to have satisfied me for the time being. By now I have forgotten everything I was taught in high school thirtyseven years ago. In a book I looked up how to clean and care for my brushes and was careful not to look at techniques so I can see how I do this. With the tremors in my hands it could be interesting.

It is fascinating how I've once again gotten to that place where I want to throw off everything about how I should be doing things. So much of what I've been told about myself is just plain wrong.

The paintings I really want to do are of the black and white photos of my ancestors from around the turn of the century. Many are professionally photographed indoors; the women have long dresses on and the men have long beards. Once, long ago, I could draw well and can probably learn to do so again. The portraits would be painted in the neutral colors of the photos and then I'd like to add bright flowers in vases and other little objects that I like.

Much of what I am clearing out in this lifetime, I once thought was from past lives. Feeling the experiences, I knew they weren't mine. Now I believe a lot of it is in my DNA from the experiences that my genetic line lived through. Not everyone is going through this but I have spoken with enough others who are, that I have some understanding of this little project. I keep hearing, "There is nothing wrong with you. You aren't doing anything wrong." This feels right to me most of the time now although it is contrary to appearances.

It might appear that my life really sucks but I am focusing on the freedoms I have now. After being twisted into a pretzel for years trying to be who and what I was dictated to be, I now find myself being able to be myself and yet survive. That feels great.

What a wonderful week this has been. The weather was often perfect, I had more energy and less pain than I've had in a long time and there was interesting things to do. Language had very little to do with anything and I haven't been in word mode for awhile.

The days I chose to walk along the river happened to be when the crowds were doing other things and it was great to have that space. I tried out three new places to eat instead of the same old ones where I usually go, where they know I'm easy-going and a good tipper and now don't really give me good service anymore.

My dining room table is actually cleared off and I have my paints and some canvas panels stacked there now with ideas for six paintings. This is after I haven't painted for about thirty-five years.

I am doing a bit of organizing in my apartment so I can find things better and feel more comfortable. When acquaintances ask me questions it takes a little longer to answer and I feel somewhat surprised that I am required to speak.

It's odd but I am enjoying reading and am doing O.K. with understanding what I read. Right now I am reading a book by Dianne Day that I found at the library. It takes place in San Francisco during the earthquake of 1906 and is a mystery with a female main character. I'd never heard of the author and she's written seven books with this character which is wonderful news for me. They may have them all at the library, if not I see they are on Amazon.

So, for right now I'm not having the usual low-grade anxiety. Maybe others are feeling this way too. When I go to the usual places online it looks like people are vanishing.